sorry, this isn't going to be a fun post

Okay if you are not in the mood for whining, then please don't continue reading. I have to whine because I am SO sad today!!!!

I am sad because on Monday I was 2 months and 3 days pregnant. As many of you probably know Travis and I have been trying to get pregnant for a very long time. We have been working with a fertility doctor for about a year after I was diagnosed with something we knew we didn't want to handle on our own. But, since last year was so crazy with my dad being sick and him passing as well as Travis's grandpa passing, the treatments were intermittent when I was in town and feeling up to it. I had a miscarriage shortly after we found out I was pregnant in May, but at the time we understood because of everything going on.

In November both Travis and I were feeling great and really ready to focus again on starting a family. Well that was the month for us! When I was in Texas I found out I was pregnant! We were so overjoyed! It kinda sucked that Trav was on the phone at the time and not there with me but it was also really fun to share it with my mom and family- including several aunts that were there for the building dedication I talked about earlier. My whole family has been in this with us the whole step of the way so they were just as excited as we were! The next day we figured out that my due date was August 22nd. That is exactly 1 year from the day my dad died and two days after Travis's Grandpa's birthday. We were amazed and knew that this was their gift from heaven to us! I also felt that my dad wanted us all to be happy on that day and not sad- especially my mom as she has been dying for Travis and I to have a baby for years.

When we got back to Hawaii I started spotting a little bit and my doctor put me on bed rest for the month of January as precautionary- hence the many blog posts. Bed rest was brutal but my wonderful husband was incredible and did everything he could to make me comfortable! Last Friday the spotting got a little worse. We went to see the doctor on Saturday and saw our little one with a little flashing heart beat for the first time and thought everything was okay.

On Sunday night it got much worse. My pain was really bad and we didn't think it looked good. I was devastated. We were talking to the doctor all night and he had us come in Monday morning. When he did the ultrasound, Lenni (what Travis calls the baby- as in lentil bean) was still there!!!! We couldn't believe it! Neither could the doctor. We knew it was a miracle and that this was one special baby! I can't express how happy and how blessed I felt! I went from tears of sadness to tears of joy. What a roller coaster!

Then Monday night the pain was unbearable and it got much much worse. I passed alot of tissue that night and it was very traumatic for both Travis and I. We knew exactly what we were seeing and I was devastated. Yesterday we went to the doctor again and he confirmed that everything was out and I didn't need a D&C. We lost the baby.

I was numb and actually I still am. I don't understand and can't believe this has happened. I can't begin to describe how much we want to start a family. We are so ready to struggle through trying to be good parents. It is so painful to not have any control over this situation. But, I do have faith in the Lord and know that He has a plan for us. He has blessed me with some peace and comfort the past two days and I know He will continue to do so. He has also blessed me with an amazing husband! Travis has been calm and reassuring through this whole weekend. His faith has been unwavering and he has done everything possible for me. He has been my rock and I am so thankful for him!!!!! He went back to work today and I miss him so much! I couldn't have asked for more in a husband! I love you Trav!

I am also so thankful for such an amazing family and wonderful friends. All of you are so supportive and I can't tell you how much we appreciate it. I am kind of hiding from the world right now but I promise I will return your phone calls and emails sometime in the not to distant future.

The Lord is in control and I do know that He loves us and will bless us one day with what we want so badly. I am thankful for the blessing that He has already provided us and hope that one day- AS SOON AS POSSIBLE- those blessings will include a baby.

Thanks for listening to the whining!